


love, death, distraction

by gotobed



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Abuse, Depression, Mental Health Issues, Sad, Suicide, Synesthesia, Unhappy Ending, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:07:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23698987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gotobed/pseuds/gotobed
Summary: essentially, alex has synesthesia and he's in an emotionally draining household.named after an eden song because his musics really good.trigger warnings for suicide and abusive households and stuff
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	love, death, distraction

i walk through the school gates at 6am, the gray-brown taste of the cigarette still fresh on my tongue. 3 hours too early for school but just on time for me. i settle down on the beaten bit of grass behind the oval, under the tree that smelt murky orange like my friends jumper that i was wearing, the same colour as the lighter that i lift up to my lips, lighting the cigarette once again.

“oi alex!” i hear from george as he runs up to me. the crisp white sounds echo around me. 

“hey” i reply. my voice is a bit different today. usually it’s a dark violet but today it’s nearing on magenta.

“answer your texts mate” george scolds me. i roll my eyes and look through my bag for my phone, tossed haphazardly into the bottom of it. i pull it out to multiple texts from george asking if i was going to be at school early.

“when am i not at school early george, you don’t have to text me about it every day” i pass him a cigarette. he doesn’t smoke often, just when i’m in a bad mood. 

i feel bad for george, like i’m tainting his pure crisp whiteness with some kind of brown. like a coffee stain on a fresh white shirt, that had just been dry cleaned. as much as i love hanging out with him i can’t help but think that maybe i’m the problem child that my parent’s always used to warn me about, not that they care about me any more.

we talk for two hours, until we’re nearing the start of school, when will appears. will’s bright colours, the same blue as the sky on a the clearest of days, the same blue as the lights in the clubs we go to on the weekend. 

i go to my first period class and sit in the back corner, seat closest to the door. so i can leave without bothering anyone and i can be the first out when we’re done. 

james sits next to me and i grin up at him. he’s a dusty pink, my favourite colour. he makes me feel at home wherever we are, he’s the kind of person that you could speak to for the first time ever and feel as though you’ve known him forever. 

school passes by fast enough, and then it’s time to go home. but that’s not where i’ll go. it’s only 3pm and i dont want to be home for at least the next 4 hours. so i hop onto the next train into the centre of london.

londons such an interesting city, all the dull grays bleeding into copper with a hint of slate blue. maybe it’s not the best in the world but it’s good enough for me. i walk into the corner store and ask for a pack of rothmans blues, i’m nearly finished my deck. i pull out my id when he asks, unsure if i’m going to get declined cause i look 12. he slides my id back along with my pack and change. i thank him and walk back out.

i stop at the liquor store next for a bottle of cheap wine and then at the grocery store for a can of monster. i walk a couple of minutes to my favourite alley. it’s dark and wet and black-green and overall not nice but it’s still probably my favourite place. i’ve slept here so many times and got drunk here countless more.

i down half the bottle of wine before stopping for a cigarette. it tastes somewhere green-yellow. something i can’t quite put my finger on. mixing it with the light brown of my cigarette to make an murky yellow. the kind of yellow you get when a banana’s gone off or of piss when you’re severely dehydrated. i finish my bottle of wine, leaving it empty next to the other ones that sit in that alley. 

i stand up and steady myself, drunk but not enough to not be able to walk. i pull my hood up over my head, the sky being dark gray and a couple of ice cold water droplets falling on me. 

i make my way to the nearest underground stop and tap on with my oyster card, making my way to the house, hood up, head down, drawing little to no suspicion.

the house is red but the kind of red of a pool of blood, a dark scarlet perhaps. a red that should be uninviting but to me it’s just enticing. i walk in the door, making as little sound as possible, checking my watch to see the numbers 8:53 staring up at me. i creep up to my room, avoiding any contact with anyone and putting my bag down, stashing my deck where my parents would never find it and changing out of my hoodie into a long sleeved shirt. i go to the bathroom and have a shower. as i'm running my hands through my hair getting the last of the shampoo out i hear my father outside, slam a door and yell at my mother. 

red purple black blue colours are all i know although less saturated than they were before. not by too much, but by enough that i just barely notice. but not before i hear my parent’s yelling again. at each other. the argument exploding from both sides.

i get out of the shower and dries myself off, dressing before i creep out of the door and across the hall to my room. my parents are still yelling and i knows they’ll be at it for a while. 

i slip my headphones in turning on my pink playlist. it reminds me of home, of james, of his friends and of everything good. the soundtrack is a little sad and i'm still not quite sure it completely fits the pink tune of the whole thing but it's the closest i could get. 

i falls asleep to the sweet sunset pink-purple-orange tune of afterglow by all time low and the faint sound of my parents yelling.

i wake up early, just like always, with an empty stomach and a grogginess that i’ll fix with some caffeine. i pull on a fresh pair of black jeans and a hoodie over some random shirt. the baby blue jumper complimenting his mood perfectly. i sling my bag over my shoulder, tip toeing downstairs to grab some food only to be met with my mum, awake, with some breakfast made on the bench.

“hey honey” she greets me, pressing a kiss into my hair. she looks a desaturated red, like a rose that’s started to wilt. my dad is up too, greeting me with a ‘morning champ’ before they all start to eat their breakfast

i grab some food and walk out the door, later than usual. but not by too much. i stick another cigarette in my mouth, it feels darker brown than usual. i get to school to resume my regular schedule, cigarettes, drinking my monster, talking to george, to james, to will. 

and thats how it goes for the next few weeks. a blur of colours as everythings redone over and over again. and i drift. away from myself, away from my friends, away from knowing. 

knowing whats happening, and who i am. i defined myself by colours but everything seems to be getting further and further away. the colours are desaturating and i feel as though i’m going with them. i don’t go to school one day. it’s a wednesday and it’s not because i had a test, it’s because i couldn’t get out of bed. but as soon as my mother turned the shower on and i heard my father yell because he was unhappy with it i got up. i threw on my favourite hoodie and my regular black pair of jeans. and threw a book and a pen in my bag, along with my cigarettes and two monsters. i walked the opposite way from the school. away from the pinks and blues, or atleast thats what they used to be, and toward the bridge.

i sit on the edge of the bridge looking down at the river below, roaring with a strength that could sweep me away at any time, if i dared touch the water. i text george and will and james. lengthy texts to the three of them and a short one to my parents.

and then i step off, dropping and then letting the river sweep me off my feet and away.

—

george

you’re the crisp white of a fresh ironed shirt, a fresh breath from the chaos that life throws. you were my bestest friend and my polar opposite. thats why we fit so well. a north and a south, a black and a white. opposites attract and you were the best opposite i’d ever met. you put the stars in the night sky to show me there’s light even in the very darkest places. you are white, the freshest part of everyones day. never stop being you. thank you for the stars

i love you forever and always,  
alex

—

will

you’re the sun, or atleast a sky with the sun shining as bright as could be. the brightest blue i’d ever see. you let me grow under your guidance and you were nothing but bright and happy, showering me with warmth and affection from the day we got to know eachother. the sun should be a constant and that you were, a great friend, brightening up my day every time you appeared in it.

keep being you and don’t let anyone make you duller  
alex

—

james

a dusty pink, the feeling of a well lived in home. you show the way in the darkest times, just like the moon. complimenting the stars and contrasting the sun so beautifully. you’re calm and collected even when everything seems useless. you are so so easy to talk to. even if it’s the first time you meet them. home from the very beginning to the very end

keep giving people homes and hugs.  
alex

—

mum and dad

you were always yelling and i hated it. but i’m not here for grudges, i’m here for a goodbye. the days, however few and far between when you’d make me breakfast and when dad would make a joke were days i’d cherish. 

work on yourselves and be kind to eachother. it’ll be for the best.  
alex


End file.
